Sweat poured out of my back. It was just one quick wave of sound- which I doubt any human should hear, hence my condition. To describe it is hard. There was a blending of reptilian hisses and bear growls. A warning I guessed.
There was a KARRACK! There was a second one. In my delirium, all I could see was dark earth. Finally it passed. By then it was far too late. “Dave, watch out! Run! Run!” Death screamed. He sounded a long ways away.
I tried to croak out, “Where?” but nothing came out. I tried dismally to get up but my arm muscles didn’t want to answer. Below me the ground shuddered. A lot of strength- barely comprehensible- kept me balanced on my numb knees. The sulfurous breath of a predator washed over the back of my head.
My eyes glazed, blurred, and went empty. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Just don’t move Dave, close your eyes and keep them closed! Don’t even breathe!”
I did as Death told me to. It was hard to not try and attempt to look at what was now causing a massive commotion behind me. Cords in my throat tightened as a minute passed. My terrible habit of chain smoking didn’t help. Sure I could run but I couldn’t hold my breath. A pressure deeper than the headache wrapped the inside of my skull.
At that time I just wanted to cry. Some warm fluids splattered across my back. Finally Death gave me peace, “You can open up now.”
I have a problem there. This is 1) badly written, and 2) so out of character I regret writing it at 12:30 A.M. You see how sometimes the best things are produced when you're half asleep. Or drunk. Which, I swear, I wasn't at the time! The Sandman can be my alibi!
The descriptions are too vague, like shadows no one can see in the dark.
No one in turn, goes catatonic. They run, or try to blow him up with insanely large lasers... Anyways, Dave isn't going to be on his knees and throwing up of all things. He is going to follow Death's instructions on hiding. Humans can't kill the creature who can knock down trees. Which brings me to my next character breaks.
Sentient beings Death and Morrigan rarely interfere with the lives of humans. They don't have enough power to do much. Possession works for them just fine, they do it all the time to get evil kicks. However showing themselves to many others but Dave- he's their friend, it's expected- is a truly rare experience.
While inherently cruel and sophomoric as they are at times; both Death and Morrigan do care about human life. They know the limitations and when the tree breaker comes along; they- the more powerful beings- must get rid of it themselves.
That is part of editing in a nutshell. Some things that may have looked good in your head don't come out right on paper.